This letter was written to the Valley Gay Press in response to participation in the PA Diversity Network Photo Project -- 200 Same-sex Couples: Facing Inequality and its display at the Reading Pride Festival Celebration in July 2007.
8/2/07
Dear Liz,
I know that Lil has sent you a thank you note for our photo and the article, but I also wanted to drop you a line.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my own "journey". I've been claiming my lesbian orientation since high school, at the tender age of 17. "Coming out" in 1985 was not a pleasant or reassuring experience. I had to endure being ostracized and excluded and even having the taunt "DYKE" yelled at me in the halls. It caused a huge rift between my mother and me. Coming out taught me that being gay was a bad thing, something that I needed to hide from everyone except friends. All in all, I learned to keep my head down and my mouth shut to stay safe and to avoid recrimination. I've been calling myself a lesbian for 22 years but I've been hiding it too.
It occurs to me that just calling myself a lesbian isn't enough. I've kept my head down and my mouth shut and was content to let other, "braver" people speak FOR me. I just wanted to live a quiet life, on my own terms, so that I didn't have to live in fear. I never attended Pride Parades or Pride Festivals, using the excuse "Those things always bring out the worst of us. No wonder the straights think we're ALL like that, they see the worst of us and use it against us." I used to think that fighting for gay rights was a hopeless cause. I thought that fighting for gay marriage was stupid, because marriage was just a control measure, one invented by straight men to try ensure that any children springing from the woman they essentially bought would be their own. I sat idly by and took little interest in politics and just waited to see if one day "the Pioneers" would make it okay, "safe" for the rest of us.
Maybe it's because I finally met a woman that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it's because I'm finally growing a backbone. Maybe it's because I'm finally taking my life seriously. Maybe because I'm ashamed about '"talking the talk but not walking the walk". Whatever the reason, I've decided to make my own stand. When I saw the advertisement for the "100 Couples for Inequality" photo project, I thought we should get involved in it. I was afraid of the backlash but I figured if Lillian had the guts to do it, I should too. I committed to it but secretly feared that the "wrong people" would see the photo and attack us or burn our house down. I was proud of myself, though, and told myself that I had "done my part" for the gay community. 'My part', what a joke. I've allowed everyone else to 'do my part' for me out of fear.
I finally decided to bite my particular bullet attend a Pride Fest, reasoning that I had to show my support in my own hometown. I admit that seeing our picture hanging there gave me more than a few moments of fear. Our names and faces were visible to anyone and everyone who wanted to come after us. I still fear it but life marches on. I can no longer allow fear to dictate how I live my life. I joined in a Civil Union with the woman I love and I want more. I want the world to recognize that we love each other, we're committed to each other, and we're no different than anybody else. I want marriage. I want the same rights as everyone else in this country. I want to be able to hold my wife's hand in public without people staring, whispering, or being asked to leave. I want people to realize that I'm just as valuable a citizen as the people next door. I want to fight. I want to do more than 'my part'. I want to help someone else, maybe someone who was just like me, someone who may be too afraid to stick their neck out. I know that fear, I've lived it every day of my life for 22 years. Someone fought FOR me, now it's my turn to "take up the torch" and continue the fight started by those much braver than me.
Your article in the aug/sept issue of the VGP is a start. I thank you for it. I was, and still am, fearful of recrimination for it. But it doesn't matter any more. If that article can help even one person or one couple, then it was worth it. People who never even met me have helped me and now I want to help others. I would welcome any suggestions you might have on where I can get involved with fighting for our rights. I'm really and truly "out of the closet" now and though I am still afraid, I will no longer hide who I am from anyone. I used to think the chants "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!" were demeaning and useless. Now I know why so many took up the chant.
I am what I am. I am happy that I am what I am and I am finally PROUD to be a lesbian after all these years.
Sincerely,
Melissa Emes